Deleted Scenes

The following stories arrived after we had already sent the galleys to the press. We were unable to corroborate the facts presented in them, but they do show RR’s continued desire to write. Perhaps they are short stories based on hypothetical events in his life that never happened. Unfortunately they provide no additional clarity to RR’s whereabouts, and, if anything, only serve to further muddle the picture of what did or did not happen outside of the series of events outlined in his memoir.

 

Detour

It was dark when Cindy and I picked up a hitchhiker at a rest stop near Columbia, SC, who told us he just got out of Western Psych. Nothing but talk of a glorious reunion with his girl for miles. We kept giving him weed and moonshine in hopes he would pass out or slow down, but it didn’t work. When we dropped him off outside the train station, we realized we’d gone the wrong way for almost two hours.

Did Philson and Jackson Co. Test Experimental Drug on TV Addicts?

Sources close to Clean Time and the Rose-Thorn Recovery Center tell us that the controversial drug Nedvedol was administered prior to FDA approval to the addicts on the television show Clean Time. The long-term side effects of the drugs are unknown, and what has been hailed as a cure all for drug addiction, ADD, Depression, and Dyslexia, is reported to be highly addictive. It is also alleged that the drug company flooded the streets in Booth, a rural college town in Guilford County, with the drug. Local small business owner Tom Canada has been implicated in the plot to increase demand for the drug known on the street as tri-bombs, tri-planes, trifocals, pyramids of fire and green goblins, among others. The conspiracy—also believed to include the late Justin Haas—could have led to the murder of Nancy Crane, sister of  local artist and activist, Cindy Crane.

Philson and Jackson did not respond to interview requests.

Ronald Reagan Middleton: Turning His Life Around!

A source close to the recovery scene in Booth told us, “I really think Ronald Reagan has made a breakthrough. I really do, he’s doing great. Really great. He needs structure in his life, and I think this is the best place for someone in his situation. His plate has become quite full in a short period of time. Filled not only the fame he’s had to suddenly internalize and process, but with the more tangible job of detox and recovery. We just want him to get better, and for him to succeed in even the smallest increments is wonderful. Don’t you think? I think it’s wonderful.”

But not everyone shares this view. I stopped a random passerby outside Screwdrivers, a local Booth watering hole, who said, “What’s the big fucking deal? The whole country is obsessed with this kid and it’s like watching a train wreck. I have enough shit to deal with that I didn’t bring on myself that I don’t need to worry about some speed freak who can’t get his shit together. Like that one episode where he kept talking about how he wanted to make his parents proud by writing a book. Or that he felt Gasman was being treated unfairly. So contrived, this guy. Now he keeps telling the world he’s writing a memoir. How about when he said the Werewolf Killer was a media creation? I mean, look who’s talking. You know a lot of the time they will edit and voice-over clips taken completely out of context and attribute them to these reality TV stars? It’s called Franken-biting. I looked it up. This guy’s a fraud.”

This writer is of the mind that Ronald Reagan Middleton is in the middle of something wonderful and his success is inspiring!

 

Philson and Jackson Co. Get in on the Action Figure Action

A series of Clean Time: Season One action figures designed by Todd MacFarlane hit stores tomorrow. The individually numbered, handcrafted figurines are predicted to skyrocket in value. I asked one collector why the toys have such an appeal.

“They’re not toys,” he insisted. “Anything with Ronald Regan Middleton’s likeness is going to go on e-bay for at least ten times retail. Maybe twenty. The way Ronald Reagan has suffered and struggled to get where he is today, to battle addiction like that and come out with a positive attitude despite the setbacks, is a lesson for us all.”

I know this reporter can’t wait to set them up on his mantel!

 

Jordache$Fitch to Release Ronald Reagan Middleton Clothing Line!!!

In conjunction with new partner Jackson and Philson Co., J$F Jeans will release a series of sleeveless blazers, bowler hats, denim pants, and running shorts as part of their upcoming fall line. A source close to the industry tells us: “This is pure fabulousness. Pure Middleton. If you’re not wearing Ronald Reagan this fall, you might as well wear nothing.”

 

Ronald Reagan: Ten Days Clean!

Sources tell us, Ronald Reagan Middleton picked up a white key tag at his most recent 12 Step meeting. He told the group he had eight days clean, nine depending on if you count “getting high around 11 and then still kind of feeling it at 1 AM when [RR] passed out.” The catalyst of his decision to give sobriety “a legitimate shot” was running into his old girlfriend, Jacky, who was reportedly working on two months clean at the Glass Home in nearby Greensboro. Ronald Reagan Middleton was not available for comment.

Jordache$Fitch Jeans All the Rage with Recovering Addicts!

Ronald Reagan Middleton loves the Jordache $Fitch Straight Leg Medium Density Tapereds™ with light bleach.

A source told us: “He used to work there, so he knows what’s what. He’ll probably wear those pants forever. When things got bad for him, he had to sell most of his pants to the Vintage Store on Pickett. Rumor has it there was a mini-riot when word got out that his pants were available.”

We can only imagine how this will effect the sales of J$F pants. We think RR looks dashing!